Over and over for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to come up with something inspirational to tell you. Something to change your life. Something to encourage you.
I have nothing. I prayed and prayed for God to give me something.
Instead, He made it very clear that I have nothing wise/inspirational to say. Mainly because I am young and inexperienced at this thing we call life.
I have nothing encouraging to say. Mainly because I am probably the most negative person on this earth. I am truly no Chris Traeger.
How did I realize all this vital information about myself?
Answer: I became a mute this week.
Okay, okay, being mute is a little bit of an over reaction.
- Did I lose my voice for the most part? Yes.
- Does it hurt to talk? Yes.
The point is, I have had this amazingly powerful block put on my brain for weeks now. I’ve been consumed by finals, stressing over finishing my Senior year of high school, and making the most of the last couple of months with those I love at home before I head off to my next great and scary adventure labeled COLLEGE. A place I thought could’t come soon enough that I now realize has come too quickly.
I’ve struggled to write.
- Write my stories.
- Write notes for school (or frankly do anything else that includes school).
- Write for this blog.
I gave myself the self pep talk. I even watched inspirational videos for writers. I went as far as cleaning everything out at my desk. None of it worked.
That’s when I lost my voice.
I came down with a cold. Thursday, my voice got high and squeaky. Friday, it just hurt to speak and was so hard to get the words out of my mouth.
I’m generally a pretty quiet person but losing my voice triggered me to step back and look at what I was doing with my life. My time.
Why couldn’t I write?
I wasn’t stepping back.
I wasn’t thinking. I was stressed. I was letting school, stress, and the busyness of life get in the way of my passions. The things God put on my heart.
I have to let God take care of school. God’s got this in His hand. In two weeks, I’m walking across a stage and high school will be officially over. I hate high school. Yet, it is still so bittersweet. Despite bad times, I have learned so much, gone through so much. I’m excited to see what God has in store for me in college, yet a part of me wants to stay 18 and leave life just the way it is right now.
But with my time to think recently, I have found, that despite my wishful thinking, that won’t happen. Besides, if I stayed in the same spot my whole life I would miss so much more joy that God could bring into my life.
Sure. There will be some tough mountains to climb. I may not be able to handle them, but God can.
I have to let God take care of the things I’m stressed over. SCHOOL. COLLEGE. CHANGE. It’s all around me. So many emotions. So many overwhelming thoughts. So many questions. Everything’s crazy. Nerves are at an all time high. My last high school tests are coming. Prom is coming. Packing and people and vacationing. Sickness. It’s so overwhelming. I want to control it all. Take it into my own hands.
The more I try to handle it all, the more stressed I become. I have to continually give it up to God. I know He’s got this.
Why then is it so hard to let it go?
I always think I’m at a place where I’m fully trusting in God and then BAM. There is a super steep mountain and I just ran right into it.
So, slowly this week, I’ve been giving it up to God. All my fears, concerns, and anxiety.
But we do what we can.
(On a side note, if you see a Senior this week, be aware that we are ALL super stressed out. I think I am speaking for all of us when I say that emotions are all running so high. We need so much prayer and encouragement :).)
I have to make time for myself. God made me an introvert. Introverts run out of steam. I have to take a break so that I can keep going. I can’t remember the last time I took a break. No, I haven’t finished the Senior video for the church.
Is that the end of the world? Not even close.
Will I get it done? Yes. I just have to stop rushing myself. God may have made some people to be able to rush, but I can’t. I’m not wired that way. I must think through everything. See all possibilities.
How can I live up to the potential God has for me if I’m rushing around not being the person He wants me to be?
You would be shocked to know how fast my writers block came off as soon as I realized all of this.
I don’t know why. It’s what I would call a God Thing. It was as if the door to my brain was locked and the realization of all these things at once was the key.
The next chapters of the writing project I am working on suddenly became just so incredibly clear and this post began piecing itself together.
By 1:00 in the morning I had the planning of my next chapter completely. Papers covering the floor of my room and this blog post half way finished before completely passing out on my bed.
So… my point?
I think these past couple weeks have taught me something incredibly important. Sometimes God puts us on hold in our passions to remind us that it isn’t about us.
Jesus didn’t say, “Let anyone who boasts, boast in themselves.”
He said (1 Corinthians 1:27-31) :
27 But God chose what the world thinks foolish to shame the wise, and God chose what the world thinks weak to shame the strong. 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, what is regarded as nothing, to set aside what is regarded as something, 29 so that no one can boast in his presence. 30 He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31 so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
Yes, I’m a writer, but when I write I have to remember who is giving me the words to say and who gave me the passion for words.
The other day, I was telling someone that sometimes we lose sight of what life is all about.
- It’s not about the next Super Bowl.
- It’s not about the next movie.
- It’s not about our significant others.
- It’s not about school.
It’s about Jesus. It’s about what He did for me. It’s about how He died for me when I didn’t even come close to deserving it and I want to live my life accordingly.
I will fail for the most part, but God doesn’t ask me for perfection. He asks for my best. He asks that I run the race of life with endurance.
I see only one way to do that.
To run the race with Jesus.