This afternoon I was sitting at my desk wondering about what I should write for this little project. This was a fantastic opportunity and I wanted it to turn out PERFECT. Should I write about me? My story? My friends, my family, my beliefs, the world. ACK!
My friend was talking but I wasn’t listening, too focused on my thoughts. Until… “Did you grow?”
Then it came to me.
I thought about how I am a senior this year and how much I have changed since my freshman year of high school. How much I have grown since then.
High school is always interesting, for everyone. People begin to find out who they are, what they want to do for their future, people change and grow during high school.
My entire high school career has been difficult. Lots of room for unknown growth. It was just up to me to determine what kind of growth that would be. It took me until my sophomore year to begin the process and my junior year to fully decide exactly what type of growth I wanted to experience. My mind eventually settled into growing for myself. Learning more about being me, who I am, who I want to be, and what my identity in Christ was. The first step for me was growing in Christ. And that changed my life.
Sixth grade, I was empty, I was alone and tired, lost, I was very lost. I had no one to turn to, nowhere to go. I refused to pray, since God had brought this upon me.
Why would I pray to Him who caused me pain?
I went to church but I refused to let God in, even when a message touched me, I refused to let it change my thoughts and feelings towards God. This lasted far too long, my sixth-grade year till the end of my sophomore year.
I was in my fourth month of IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and my best friend had just graduated from the program, she had a strong faith and always encouraged me to pursue my faith on a more meaningful level. In the note she gave me on her last day she wrote:
“God has plans for you, that’s why you’re here, He wants you to experience this struggle for a reason. I believe He put me here to help you reconnect with Christ and become a friend when you feel you have none.”
The tears I cried did all the thanking as I hugged her.
That night, I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness, it was terrible. I was cold and lost.
So, I knelt down on the floor placed my head in my hands and prayed for what was the first time in a long time. I remember the words I prayed that night.
“Lord help me to find my way because I am so lost and I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to fight against this disease I am suffering with and I have no one to turn to. I am giving up on myself and would rather die than continue to feel this way, please help me. Please, please help me and guide me along my way even though I know I have fallen from you, please accept me again.”
For the first time in what had been over three months, I got more than three hours of peaceful sleep. No nightmares. I woke up that morning and immediately journaled every detail of the night before.
From there, It got better, I was warm inside, safer and stronger. I had fights with my Anorexia, things would get bad, I would lose the fight, but I never had that same intense feeling of being lost again. My growth began the night I found God; because once I accepted Him into my heart again, I had the strength to fight for myself.
I knew I was worth fighting for.
I began to think about my former dreams of becoming a therapist or a dietitian to help people like me. I began to plan for college.
Growth only began in me once I took Gods hand. The hand He had been extending out to me since my sixth-grade year. The hand that I had refused to take hold of because I had felt betrayed and ignored. The hand that once I took it, brought me to a warm heart and a life filled with a thing I hadn’t had in years. Hope.
Lamentations 3:24 “The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.”
Check out the sweet guest blogger I had write this week!
Just click on the link!