This last couple of months, I have been fasting from you. Why? I’m glad you asked.
On one hand I hope all the views I get are fake and no one is actually reading it. On the other hand, a part of me wants you to please read it because I want to see you fall in love with Jesus. I pray with every post that it does that for you.” But I started to lose sight.
I had some soul searching to do.
- Why am I writing this blog?
- Why do I write my manuscripts?
- Why do I spend long and lonely days in reach of a goal that seem so impossible?
And the pressure was piling on. Your views affect a potential agent. That agent has the potential to help me get a publishing deal. That publishing deal could turn me from writer to author.
So, there I would be, starting to write a blog post and it would be all to overwhelming. What if someone found out that I wasn’t perfect? What if I failed? What if I wasn’t even supposed to be a writer? So I would stop writing before I’d even started a post.
That was when it became clear I needed a heart check. I gave you a guest blogger (who you can read here because she was fantastic) and I crossed you and this blog off my to do list for a few months.
Every morning, I got up early, ate breakfast, wrote another chapter of my latest manuscript, and spent the rest of my day in class till 5pm.
And there was no resolution until, somewhere through the muddled struggle of all these struggles and questions, I broke down.
Tired. Sick. Lonely.
Someone told me to stop. They said, “Why are you doing this to yourself? There is one thing that will stop draining you, give you time for people around you, heal you of everything going on around you. Stop writing.”
How could I? Writing was the very thing that kept me going. Where would I be without it? How would I deal with the pain around me? How would I deal with the tiredness, the loneliness, the sickness without writing?
How could I speak to God?
And it was that very question that told me everything I needed to know about myself, my blog, my writing, and about the calling God has given to me.
We all have our own way of praying. Maybe it’s writing prayers down and praying them every day. Maybe you pray while driving. Maybe you pray while you brush your teeth or during or devotional or whatever you do.
My manuscripts, the things I write, they are my prayers. The characters I make, they are nothing like me. Their situations are never the same.
But their feelings are. They reflect me and my struggles and–is not my only way– but is my most effective way of communicating with God.
The main character of my latest manuscript is lonely. She feels isolated. She feels forgotten and she asks God why.
- What is she supposed to do at this point in her life?
- What does she do when there is no one she can trust?
And she asks the same questions I ask. The truthful answer to these questions is Jesus.
- The point is Jesus.
- The one you can trust is Jesus.
And that is why I write this blog.
- Not for the views.
- Not for an agent.
- Not for a contract.
- Not for you.
This blog, my stories, and any word I write is for Jesus. In my fasting, I have found a burden has been listed in that the pressure I held. It is not my job to say and do the right things. It is not my job to be perfect.
Warning: I am not (shocker).
I will offend you. I will screw up. I will be rude. But that’s okay because I am praying that what I write is never me, but Jesus. If He can breathe life into my lungs, He can certainly breathe life into my words.
Therefore, if you have read this entire post, (1) I’m proud of you and (2) I pray you know that if God can breathe life into your lungs, anything is possible in your life including all obstacles that stand in the way. I pray we can all let Jesus take over our lives in every crack and corner of our hearts.
Simply Gracie Girl.